Hello, I’m Patrick Bateman, CEO of G/O Media

"PatBateman" (PatBateman)
10/30/2019 at 06:30 • Filed to: Public Service Announcements, G/O Media, STOP READING MY TAGS, satire

Since there’s been a lot of talk lately regarding what’s been going down in the old Gawkerverse lately, I figured now is a FANTASTIC time to come out and formally introduce myself to the public. My name is Patrick Bateman, and I’m the CEO of G/O Media, corporate owner of the formerly Gawkermodowhatever- it- was- called media company that was started by Nick Dentine. Denton? Dentures? Loser.

My investment firm, Pierce & Pierce, formed G/O Media with seed money from a Delaware Trust run out of a Silicon Valley venture capital group’s office (not sure who’s behind the money, but he apparently likes old wrestlers or something) . Since then, we have been eyeing these websites, waiting for the perfect opportunity to lay down some newspaper and swing away at the purchase. It worked! And due to my hard work and tireless effort with P&P, I was given this position. You’re welcome.

When we picked up these dot-com properties from Univision like a busboy picks up my napkin at Texarkana, I was slightly concerned with its lack of financial prowess. Sure, the bleeding hearts read Splinter, Jezebel, and TheRoot, but lefties are used to getting their news for FREE. Can you imagine? So much money was left on the table. What I did in response was brilliant. Amazing, really.

I fired everyone at Splinter, shut it down to send a message to the rest of the beatnik bloggerinas in the office, and then (the genius part, really) instituted automatically playing videos. Now, it doesn’t matter if the peasants don’t want to click on the advertisements; they MUST see them. How great is that? Really? I am WALKING ON SUNSHINE.

The past couple of days have been eventful. Some of the chatty staffers had a problem with our auto-playing vids and posted a message about it. That shit got shut down fast. Then I sent a message to Deadspin that was as clear as chilled Dom: STICK TO SPORTS. None of these unpopular non-sports articles anymore. Apparently, some of those blogging snowflakes wanted to show their utter disdain for the situation instead of being happy they aren’t living in some alley as a bum. A few decided to post some “stories” regarding something other than what they’re supposed to be writing about. So sorry to Barry Petchesky, but you’re fired. He wasn’t too important, so no loss.

So now, I’m sure you want to hear less about all this boring murders and ex... Mergers and Acquisitions nonsense and more about me. What makes me tick? What are my favorite activities? The usual, really. I’m into fitness and self care, limo rides, wild NYC club scene nights, meeting new and exciting people, and feeding cats to ATMs . Oh, and I’m SUPER into listening to music while wearing rain gear . Who doesn’t like Huey Lewis and the News?! Don’t lose your head over it.

I write all of this not for my own benefit, but for yours. I’m magnanimous like that. You see, now that you know who is running your favorite websites, you understand why the decisions that are being made are being made. A glance into the underworld of overmanagement, if you will. N ow you see why Splinter is no more, why Deadspin is being neutered, and why Jalopnik is next: because I, Patrick Bateman, of Pierce & Pierce, am running the show. Rest assured, I shan’t sleep until I have rooted every available penny out of these sites. Nothing personal.

It’s just business.

DISCUSSION (18)

pip bip - choose Corrour > PatBateman
10/30/2019 at 06:40

hit the road boomer!

ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability > PatBateman
10/30/2019 at 07:28

This is good kinja

imadick > PatBateman
10/30/2019 at 07:31

Your first major initiative should be to put out a new PR ca mpaign showing how awesome it is to work at G/O Media, which simultaneously firing 80% of the staff. Then collect your $50M bonus cheque for being the genius you are.

“ That’s a nice Ferrari Sir.”

“Thanks, if you work hard and keep grinding I’ll buy another one next year”